Thursday, October 06, 2005

Simple Rules For The Metro

This was reposted on the Boston page of It was written by a metro rider in DC.

I agree with the writer there should be posted in all of the T stations in Boston as well.

Simple Rules For The Metro
Reply to:
Date: Wed Nov 19 13:19:09 2003

I am not an angry person by nature. I believe that a lot of people are good at heart. I believe in "Love Thy Neighbor" sometimes. Every once in a while, I think there just may be some redeeming qualities in the human race. But I swear to Christ, some days, I would like to kill everyone who rides the Orange line.

I propose that what we need are some simple guidelines; rules if you will, posted in multiple languages in multiple locations in around the metro.

What follows is my modest proposal at what those rules might look like:

Section One: The Escalator

1. The escalator will not eat you. No matter how female and high-heel wearing you might be, it will not devour you if you simply step on it without stopping first to assess the situation. There is no need to pause at the top of the escalator and then think about whether or not you want to risk stepping on it as if it were a fast moving treadmill lined with razor blades. Just pretend that it is simple moving staircase. You will be fine, I promise.

2. If you are too lazy, tired, overweight, crippled, or otherwise inclined so that you prefer to stand on the escalator rather than actively walk up or down the stairs like a normal person, please do so on the right hand side on the escalator so that you are not in the way of those of us with half a brain and a cardiovascular system that functions. If you are too wide for the average person to pass, you MUST walk up or down the escalator. You will not only avoid people wanting to kill you, but you will most likely become narrower with time.

3. If you have luggage, a stroller, a child, everything you own in your backpack, shopping bags, etcetera on the escalator please make sure they are out of the way of the aformentioned people who actually have someplace to go. There are people like me who will not feel bad about kicking your shit (children excluded) down the stairs if it is in the way.

4. When you reach the bottom or top of the escalator and are ready to get off, remember rule # 1. You are going to be okay. Simply step off the little moving staircase and then, and this is important, KEEP GOING. Do not get off the escalator and then stand there like you had no idea you would find yourself here. There are people like me who have to try with all their might not to punch you in the back of the head when you just stand in everyone's way like the idiot you obviously are.

Section Two: The Turnstiles

Congradulations! You have mastered the slowly-moving-staircase. Well done! But don't start sucking your own dick just yet, there is a lot more.

1. As you approach the turnstiles there are two things you should make sure of. One: You have a metro card. Two: there is money on it. DO NOT under any circumstances wait until you are in the turnstile with a line forming behind you to dig through your purse, pockets, etc. for your metro card. There are people like me who do not have the patience to wait for you to muster up enough of the little electical impulses in that foggy void you call a brain to allow you to understand what is keeping you from advancing. Pretend you are a boyscout and be f*cking prepared.

2. If you do not know how to work the machines, watch all the other hairless monkeys until you can imitate their behavior. This is actually a wonderful learning technique and can be applied to many aspects of your life.

Section Three: The Platform Now that you have managed to get on and off the escalator and through the turnstiles, you are ready to wait for your train to arrive. This part is easy as it involves mostly standing or sitting which you should be able to handle.

1. Chances are, there are already people on the platform. Don't get scared. They live here too. Do not stand directly behind people on the platform. You will make them nervous and they may react badly. Do not stand directly in front of people either, it is kinda like cutting in line and no one appreciates it. If you are one of those idiots who likes to walk in front of everyone right on the edge of the platform, do not be surprised if one day someone shoves you off. The temptation may become too great for anyone to handle.

2. When your train arrives there will most likely be people on it already. Don't be surprised; they did not send the train just to pick you up. Now here is the tricky part, some of them will most likely want to get of the train. YOU HAVE TO LET THEM. Stand to the side of the door and wait until you see no one else on the train that appears to be trying to leave, you may then enter. If you stand directly in front of the doors and either get in the way or refuse to wait for people to exit before you shove your way onto the train, you can expect to be head-butted for your impatience.

3. Just like the escalator it is important to keep moving. Do not get on the train and then stand in the doorway as if you expected to find your bedroom and don't understand what happened. There are people behind you who also want to get on the train.

Section Four: The Train

At this point you should be noticing a recurring theme concerning metro etiquette. The rule of thumb is to always STAY OUT OF THE F*CKING WAY AND BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS.

1. If there is no room on the train, there is no room on the train. They will send another one soon and you will not be forever stranded on the platform like that ugly guy in Ghost. Standing in the door as it tries to close or letting you bookbag stick out of the door because you are too freaking dumb to take it off and put it between your legs in order to conserve standing space could result in bodily harm inflicted by people like me. Similary, shoving people as hard as you can is not a good idea in any situation. This applies to the metro as much as it does in church.

2. While on the train, don't smell terrible. This one is simple. For the sake of the people forced to stand very near you, try to avoid smelling like shit run over twice. And pouring on a bucket of cheap Walmart perfume/colonge is not an acceptable substitute for bathing.

3. No matter how tough or from Wisconsin you may be, you can not stand up on the train without holding on to anything. Please notice there are bars and handles placed everywhere for your convenience. If you try to stand, arms folded, thinking you look cool, only to flail around like the idiot you are when the train moves, falling all over the other people on the train, you should have you middle ear punctured so that you would then understand that your balance is not that fucking good.

4. Don't molest people. Just because it is crowded does not mean you are allowed to grope people near you with impunity. Some of us carry knives. Behave yourself.

5. Don't be crazy. Or if you can't avoid being crazy, please be so quietly. If the voices in your head are asking you to shout something about cabbage and pinochle or whatever the hell is on your crazy head, just keep it to yourself. There is no need to share your crazy shit verbally. If you are not sure whether or not what you have to say is crazy, play it safe and keep your mouth shut. In fact, it is a good rule to never speak to anyone you don't know on the metro. If you insist on talking to strangers and then continue to try and converse after the unwilling victim smiles politely and says nothing in an attempt to make it painfully obvious that they have no desire to speak with you, you should have your toungue removed and be made to stand by the a**hole with no middle ear to keep him from leaning on people.

6. When the train stops and the doors open you have two choices: you can get off the train, or you can stay on the train.

6.a. If you wish to stay on the train make sure you are not in the way of anyone getting off. This sometimes means having to get off the train yourself for a second and then getting back on. There is no rule that says you can not get back on the train once you have stepped off.

6.b. YOU ARE NOT AS SKINNY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. Standing sideways in the door does not mean you are out of the way. Just get off the damn train.

6.c. Don't be one of those people who pretends like they want to leave the train just so they can take your spot closer to the door so they can get off more easily at some stop further down the line. We all know what you are doing and we f*cking hate you for it.

6.d. Keep your bags, strollers, etc. out of the way. If I trip over your shit on my way off the train I will kick it off in hopes you get stuck on the platform retreiving it.

6.e. If you decide to leave the train we all thank you. If there are people in your way simply say "excuse me" and they will do their best to move out of your way. If they don't, shove the dumb, inconsiderate bastards out of the way, they should know better.

Congratulations! You are now ready to ride the metro with the rest of us without annoying people to the point where they wish death and disease on you and your entire bloodline and dream of violent ways in which you could meet your fate.

Thank you,

Showing Amazing Self Restraint on the Orange Line


At 9:02 PM, Blogger Nicole said...

This is great!


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