Sunday, March 26, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I turn 35, yikes. The truth is, the number is a far less scary then my actual life. For the past five years I have felt like a leaf drifting in the wind, never really touching the ground, never settling, just drifting, falling and completely oblivious.

Living back in MA only makes this feeling worse. Everyone around me seems to be moving on, buying homes and having children. My life in comparison seems unimportant, dull and pale. Getting up in the morning and making it to work doesn’t feel like such an accomplishment even thought it feels like everything I have in me to be able to do it.

Last night I went in to Boston to a gay bar for the first time for nearly 2 years. What I was hoping would make me feel better only made me feel worse. There is something about this city that I can’t figure out. There seems to be some unwritten code about what night each place is busy, and an age range or each. It’s something I haven’t been able to learn nor have cared to learn.

It feels like I am living between two worlds completely unable to commit to ether, or to afraid to just be one. I feel like I have been just faking it in the straight world when I should be doing something more gay. There has been a lot of sex, but that is my only real contact with gay people.

I thought that moving into the city in a more gay area would make me happier but every that is out of the questions because everything is to expensive or just to far from where I need to be.

Being 35 makes me feel I should be more settled with this issues maybe I will just have to wait until 36.

11 Comments:

At 9:56 PM, Blogger The Persian said...

I avoid local gay bars like the plague. Springfield (my nearby city) has 5 one seedier than the next.

chin up and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

*spank*

 
At 12:33 AM, Blogger Scotty said...

Happy Birthday...about 30 minutes late but at least I made it.

As for what you are feeling...I was feeling sorta the same this weekend. It was ucky. I think, me having kids and a family, makes me feel somewhat disconnected with the gay community at times. I try to reconnect every now and then and it usually works.

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger David said...

Don't let arbitrary measure of time inform where you should be in your life. Your journey is your own and it will take as long as it takes. Have faith, keep your eyes open, and try and relax.

Happy Birthday. :-)

 
At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday. If it's any consolation, I'm a year older than you and I didn't start feeling okay with the "lack of perceived progress" in my life until recently. Somehow things always end up to shake out the way they're supposed to though so don't worry. And hey it could be worse, you could be a straight girl like me with a biological clock ticking and ticking away. :)

jolie

 
At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Scott!
When I met you - I thought you were one terrific honest and geniune guy. Gay? - Ya You were open about that. Besides you are a BEST friend to someone I care about. You are there for a lot of people. Not a lot of people can say that. I hope you never change.
From A straight OLD lady.
Guess Who xxxxx

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger liits said...

35 indeed! It's no age, you chicken, you!

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger Hypoxic said...

Happy Birthday Scott (a day late)!

Hang in there. You'll eventually figure it out.

Good luck!

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger Hanuman1960 said...

Yes, gay bars suck (and not in the good way!)

Happy Belated Birthday!!! :)

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger BriteYellowGun said...

How did I miss this post? Happy belated Birthday. Age is meaningless. You are as old as you choose to feel. As for doing more "gay" things...why? Do what makes YOU happy. If there's a manual about what you need to do to be more in the gay community, I didn't get my copy. As for measuring your progress in life...it's all relative. My life is non-stop on the go with work, kids, home, this, that and everything else and I STILL have moments where I feel unimportant and haven't accomplished much of anything. They pass.

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger Nicole said...

Agh- I have been so busy I missed this- Happy Birthday darling

 
At 12:11 AM, Blogger Bill German said...

interesting post. I'll buy you a beer at the ramrod. I can remember going to buddies and the 1270.

 

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