Never Again

Note to self: The next time a lesbian invites me to a strip club, say NO!

When my coworker Maureen invited me to her birthday party I was kind of excited. I don’t have many gay friends and my only lesbian friend recently switched teams. The plan was going to strip club, I thought it would be fun. How can you beat a night at a strip club with a group of lesbians.

As it turns out I should have done more investigating before I accepted the invitation. The plan was to meet at a hotel called the Driftwood Motel in Salisbury where there would be a pre-party of sorts. There was a post party planned as well in the same room. I inadvertently ignored this red flag.

Salisbury is not the type of New England beach town you see in post cards. It’s much lower end, think Jersey shore only with out the class. This town has what is probably the largest strip club in the state a block from the beach, do I really need to say more.

I met Maureen and her other guests at the motel. When I walked inside the in room the Jacuzzi tub and mirrored ceiling left me wondering if they got the nightly or the hourly rate. The cigarette smoke was so thick you could chew it.

Introductions were made the party was about 15 strong. Maureen was the only lesbian in the group, a major disappointment. The whole reason for me going on this outing was to make some more gay friends. The only gays were me, her and a young couple of guys. The guys were a new couple, the kind that is attached to each other literally attached.

Now I found myself going to a strip club with a group of strangers most of whom were straight women. I was not happy this wasn’t what I expected. These weren’t just straight woman, they were straight woman from New Hampshire, they are like lesbians with husbands. I decided to make the best of it.

We made our way over to the club. Parking in the lot was tight. A water-main had ruptured leaving the lot covered in two inches of ice and frigid water. A cold wet queen is not a happy queen. Luckily I was able to avoid the water, however I did almost fall on my ass twice.

When we got into the club Maureen was more excited then I am at a Kenneth Cole 50% off shoe sale. Can I just say this bitch loves shoes. She bounced up the stairs looking over her shoulder to make sure we were all still behind her.

Inside the club it took a couple of minutes for me eyes to adjust to the low level of light, it was almost darker then it was outside. I would later learn low lights were a good thing being able to see stretch marks is not.

This place was huge. It was a theater in the round. The stage had a weird amoeba shape with four rounded corners that allowed four girls to dance at once. There was a pole in the middle of the stage it was only used but the more experienced girls. Chairs were set up around the stage to allow you sit a tip the girls. Outside of the stage were several cocktail size tables that would allow you to be more discreet with your ogling.

I’m not normally taken aback by much, but for some reason I wasn’t expecting to see a woman with her crotch at eyelevel. The stage made these woman look ten feet tall. While we made our way to an empty table I saw naked woman kissing other women. There were women gyrating on the floor. There were woman rubbing men’s heads with their breasts. Half naked girls everywhere! You know when you pick up big old rock to find spiders running all over the place that was all I could think of, my first reaction was to put that big old rock back.

I’m not prude I have been in bathhouses, in porn theaters, I’ve had strangers having sex in my living room (ok there were roommates friends), none of that bothered me but this was freaking me out! I had a beer but it didn’t help. I had another, still way to sober for this venture. One more I prayed would do the trick. Not even making fun of the girl with the cellulite made it better. (Normally I love a fat girl as much as the next fag, but this girl is paid to be naked. I know a girls got to make a living but there is a line.)

After about an hour and a half right after Maureen’s Birthday Lab dance I made and excuse about how the beer away making me feel sick. I heading for the door in a hasty retreat back to the safety of my car.

I guess I’m not as liberal as I thought.