No More Coffee for Me

I never drink coffee. It's been about six months since my last cup. Today I had a 16 oz. cup. It took me about an hour to figure out why I was talking a mile a minute and why my hands were trembling.
I was talking so quickly that the filter from my mouth to my brain, the one rely on to keep me from saying everything that pops in head, couldn't keep up with it.

I work with this woman, who to put it mildly resembles a toad. Actually she looks like a toad with blonde hair, not a cute toad but a big fat ugly one. When I first met her I thought she was a dyke. Her being a dyke would give her some cachet in my book, but it turns out she's just a fat ugly straight girl. I'm not trying to be mean, I just call 'em like I see 'em.

Last week I was trying to get by her to get to a trash barrel. There wasn't enough room for me to squeeze by, so I put my hand on the small of her back as I said excuse me. She turned to me with a look of shock and horror on her face, as if I had just goosed her. I had no idea she didn't liked to be touched.

Today we were chatting about something unimportant. At the end of what ever is was she was saying, she laughed and said, "Well at least you aren't touching me."

Here is where the filter broke down and my mouth went into overdrive.

With out even thinking I said, "Yeah but if I didn't, who would?"

I shouldn’t say I didn’t think, I did hear it in my head before I said it. But all that registered was, Hey! I'm witty and clever. What would have registered if said filter was working is how is she going to react to this? If I say this will she take the knife in her hand a stab with it? Will I laugh if she starts to cry? Should I say it just to find out.

For the moments after I said it I swear I could actually see the words hanging in the air in front of me. If I moved quickly enough I can grab them and put them back in my mouth. I started to lift my arm, but it was way to late, they had made it to her ears.

The look she gave me was the same look you would have given some one saying it to you, which made me feel two inches tall. She said, " It may be true, but you didn't have to say it."

I tried to explain that I had too much coffee, that my brain, that the filter, that I'm a cad with no class. None of my explanations were enough. She just left the room in a bright red huff. She wouldn't
even look at me for the rest of the day.

No more coffee for me.